Thursday, December 8, 2011

Shoulder weight

Recently the overwhelming feeling of “failure” as been hitting me. I can’t say it’s completely directed towards me, and my “non-accomplishments” or if it is just in general because I’ve found myself in a hole where I can’t seem to see the light anymore. My job isn’t going anywhere; and I’ve known this for years; so I’ve been reluctantly looking for a new place to call my employer. This task in its self is draining, and unrewarding right now. Even if I apply to 17 different places in one day, I don’t hear ANYTHING back from anyone (Government agencies, contractors, local Businesses), Nothing. Which then leads me into my NEXT boulder that I’m carrying which happens to be the fact that all these places require some sort of degree which I don’t have. Of COURSE my plan is just like everyone else’s and go back to school to get my degree, but with my debt and responsibilities; already paying off one student loan, a mortgage and a ass tone of bills; it obviously isn’t in my future UNTIL I get a better job that wants to pay me more; or even put me through school.

This of course isn’t anyone’s fault or issue to carry around but my own. It was MY decision to stay in this fucking area and work at some minimum wage job so I can be there for my family. It was MY decision not to just go away and live my young adolescent life in some college town while I studied to be a doctor, lawyer, dancer or whatever other major/minor I decided on that month. It was MY DECISION to SETTLE. All I know is that right now staying here wasn’t the right decision. I know that my mother would’ve missed me, and cried and wanted me home, BUT fast forwarding to 10 years later and seeing my life, I would’ve rather had her shed those tears then be stuck with no place to go with my career.

Another strain on me at the moment is the fact that my husband is working at this job that isn’t a career; its exactly what I said before, a JOB; which only allows him to work hours as if it were a part time job. So our bills and our livelihood are just in the shit can right now. Asking/implying/suggesting him to look for other jobs leads to nothing but disagreements and then the silent treatment; which I just hate. One thing I’ve learned; even before marriage; is to never go to bed angry, and last night I/we did. Not an “I love you” or a kiss, nothing. Waking up this morning was difficult because all the issues that we discussed; or should I say I mentioned and he just listened, or made smart ass remarks; were still in my head, and unfortunately it will be another day basically before him and I get to sit down and possibly “talk again” about what we are going to do. I’ve been trying to stay calm, be reasonable, and understanding, but when my bills are late, our phones are getting cut off, Christmas is right around the corner and that is another financial headache that I have to worry about..

This whole blog entry is to just allow me to “talk” because I’ve noticed that I haven’t been doing that recently. Instead I’ve been sitting on my emotions and letting everyone else complain about their lives; while I sit and act like nothing is going on with me. It’s a bad thing, and I’ve never been this way, but after awhile my issues are mine, No one else’s. And pity isn’t what I need from anyone so I remain silent; which again isn’t the “right” thing to do.

So sorry for the rant. Considering this is my first entry in a month or so; I could’ve been a little more “Lively” huh!..


  1. We all have regrets and things we wish we "would" have done, but that doesn't mean you aren't living the life that was meant for you. As long as you are always trying to your best ability, you will find a better job and get the things done in your life that you need to for your daughter and your family eventually. As for other people (aka the hubby) I've learned from experience that you can't force people to be as driven as you are in life whether it comes to a career, getting in shape, going to school, etc. Forcing someone to do something leads to resentment which will hurt your relationship in the long run. I've been where you are and it makes living life day to day miserable when you don't have money, but just know you are the key to your own happiness! If you need to get a crappy second job and another roommate to pay your bills until you find that awesome job, then thats what you have to do. (I did it!)

    I love you and if I can help, I am always here (to kick your ass in the right direction). Keep your head up!

  2. The good thing is, you are doing SOMETHING! You aren't just sitting there complaining about things, you are actively looking and applying for jobs. Thinking about ways to help get you into a better situation. That's a good thing. As for the hubby, I am honestly going to have to agree with Krystle here. "you can't force people to be as driven as you are" and "forcing someone to do something leads to resentment..." For this, you have already talked some about it. It might take some time, but hopefully he will see what *needs* to be done and make some changes. As hard as it is for you right now, it's hard for him too so keep that in mind at the end of the day when you are talking with him. I'm not saying NOT to talk, I'm just saying be mindful of what you say and shed a little bit of bright light when talking about a dull situation. Also, like Krystle said, you have friends and family hear for you... we all love you and want to help you anyway we can so don't be afraid to make a phone call when you need an ear to listen :)

  3. oh man oh man where to start. See I think everyone who doesn't just have a great job from the get-go feels this way at some point in their life and the same for their significant others. I was on both ends before. An ex of mine was constantly on me about having a job that got me no where in life and though he was right it was at the very least, a job that gave me something to pay my bills and live a decent life but in the back of my mind I always knew he was right but him coming at me about it made me angry because I knew he was right and I did try but it's all I had at the time. THEN I have been the one to get on people for THEIR dead end job but I also always remembered how I felt about being on that end and would hush up about it. People do what they can and sometimes are afraid of change but after some time, people will do what they need to do.

    My last job I had for over 4 years and after the first year I knew I was not going to get anywhere with it though I got paid decently, not having medical benefits and regular hours put me over the edge. I loved my job and what i did but hated the irregularities and empty promises. I finally broke and started looking for a new job but this is only after 12 years of working BS jobs. I was jobless for about a month (The boss and I really got into it one day and that was the end of that)I prayed I'd get something I liked, had benefits, paid me decently, and something stable with full time hours but would settle for something that had benefits. Well I finally found that job (As I told you about!) but I settled for less pay to get EVERYTHING else. Life isn't easy and being in debt is a huge HUGE factor in where people end up and it's up to us to change it. I have no degree, I have debt and I have a good job that doesn't pay all to well (yet) HOWEVER though I think about going to school for a degree to get paid a few bucks more, I think about the mental and emotional drain debt causes (and I am not in MUCH debt but I am plenty stressed and dismayed as if I owe a million and taxes) and the job market in general (ie: paying X for a degree will get me Y much more and is it all worth it?) So I have sort of ran away from furthering my education but I still see the light at the end of the tunnel without all of that.

    I know you are happy in general and I also know what stress can do to people and relationships so while you look for a better job I will pray that you find it sooner rather than later and that no matter who does what and where things lead that you remain happy and know how lucky you are to have a great family and tons of friends. There are a lot of people out there who have looked and looked with a degree and have been jobless for months. The economy has effected all of it's working class citizens so I urge you to keep pushing forward and don't give up but in doing so, don't let it be what determines your happiness and success. I see you and I see happiness and success as is.

    Wow long reply.

  4. I just want to thank each one of you ladies for your advice, and letting me know how wonderful my friends are..

    Sometimes it hard to come to grips with the fact that life isn't all sunshine and rainbows; and to let everyone know that is hard for me. I've been one of those people to complain about hearing peoples downfalls and issues so much that I've said that I would never do that (or I should say "stop" doing that), and by doing that I've put on this mask that everything in my life is peachy. When people ask its always "Things are great... Things couldn't be better.. You know just working... Blah blah", But in reality my mind was/is going 100mph thinking about how I"m going to pay bills, get up in the morning, replace the broken object in the house, etc.. Things are just tough on everyone right now, and my situation isn't any different.

    I will continue to bust my rear to get where I want to be. And one day; hopefully SOON; I'll be able to let my mind rest for a minute instead of worrying constantly..

    You all are amazing.. For listening to me, and taking time out to help me realize that this isn't the end.. :) I truly love you all, for being there for me when I need someone, but also for being there when I don't want you ;) *muah*

    (BTW that comment was meant for everyone that is in my life, just not those who've commented..)