Thursday, December 8, 2011

Shoulder weight

Recently the overwhelming feeling of “failure” as been hitting me. I can’t say it’s completely directed towards me, and my “non-accomplishments” or if it is just in general because I’ve found myself in a hole where I can’t seem to see the light anymore. My job isn’t going anywhere; and I’ve known this for years; so I’ve been reluctantly looking for a new place to call my employer. This task in its self is draining, and unrewarding right now. Even if I apply to 17 different places in one day, I don’t hear ANYTHING back from anyone (Government agencies, contractors, local Businesses), Nothing. Which then leads me into my NEXT boulder that I’m carrying which happens to be the fact that all these places require some sort of degree which I don’t have. Of COURSE my plan is just like everyone else’s and go back to school to get my degree, but with my debt and responsibilities; already paying off one student loan, a mortgage and a ass tone of bills; it obviously isn’t in my future UNTIL I get a better job that wants to pay me more; or even put me through school.

This of course isn’t anyone’s fault or issue to carry around but my own. It was MY decision to stay in this fucking area and work at some minimum wage job so I can be there for my family. It was MY decision not to just go away and live my young adolescent life in some college town while I studied to be a doctor, lawyer, dancer or whatever other major/minor I decided on that month. It was MY DECISION to SETTLE. All I know is that right now staying here wasn’t the right decision. I know that my mother would’ve missed me, and cried and wanted me home, BUT fast forwarding to 10 years later and seeing my life, I would’ve rather had her shed those tears then be stuck with no place to go with my career.

Another strain on me at the moment is the fact that my husband is working at this job that isn’t a career; its exactly what I said before, a JOB; which only allows him to work hours as if it were a part time job. So our bills and our livelihood are just in the shit can right now. Asking/implying/suggesting him to look for other jobs leads to nothing but disagreements and then the silent treatment; which I just hate. One thing I’ve learned; even before marriage; is to never go to bed angry, and last night I/we did. Not an “I love you” or a kiss, nothing. Waking up this morning was difficult because all the issues that we discussed; or should I say I mentioned and he just listened, or made smart ass remarks; were still in my head, and unfortunately it will be another day basically before him and I get to sit down and possibly “talk again” about what we are going to do. I’ve been trying to stay calm, be reasonable, and understanding, but when my bills are late, our phones are getting cut off, Christmas is right around the corner and that is another financial headache that I have to worry about..

This whole blog entry is to just allow me to “talk” because I’ve noticed that I haven’t been doing that recently. Instead I’ve been sitting on my emotions and letting everyone else complain about their lives; while I sit and act like nothing is going on with me. It’s a bad thing, and I’ve never been this way, but after awhile my issues are mine, No one else’s. And pity isn’t what I need from anyone so I remain silent; which again isn’t the “right” thing to do.

So sorry for the rant. Considering this is my first entry in a month or so; I could’ve been a little more “Lively” huh!..

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Something to think about..

Where are things going in my life?? I've been questioned about my relationship with others and honestly I don't even know where to start with how I feel. This poem/saying was giving to me by a friend when I became stuck, and I've read this a handful of times..

To this day I think about some people that are no longer in my life, and remembering all the good times is what makes me feel that "maybe" we can be something more than enemies/non friends again.. All of our conversations, fun times, pictures; that show nothing but happiness;, brings all these different emotions back to me.And of course instead of thinking about all the negativity you said to me, the issues you brought upon our relationship, or even the lies that I "supposedly" said, I will always remember US; Just being Friends/Family/Best Friends/Sisters. (Yes this is referring to more than one person)!!!

People come in and out of others lives for a purpose.. And that is the truth. We might not spend our entire lives involved with one another, but the time that we have/do share is something that we both can cherish for ever!

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach your lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

Reevaluating some of the relationships I have (With family members, friends, co-workers), and this poem/saying just makes me realize that even though I would rather every friend to be in my life for a Lifetime, they might just be here for other reasons. Time isn’t slowing down, and I’m constantly moving forward. In less than 3 years I’ll be 30 years old, and some of the friendships that I’ve held in the past 27 years are no longer; some for reasons that I know of, and others just because it was our time to separate. I can only hope that if not ALL then most of the relationships I hold right now will be for a lifetime, but if they aren’t, then I can honestly say that all memories, laughs and tears were here for a reason..  

I'm not sure where my life is going, and who will be standing by me through my changes, but even though I'll cry and my emotions will show I know that life will go on. And after every rain storm there is a rainbow where happiness will be..

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

7 Months and Counting

Yesterday marked 7months of mommy-hood for me..  It’s unbelievable to even fathom that my little girl has been here for almost a year now.. Pretty soon she will be walking and talking, then before I know it we’ll will be sending her off to school for the first time *tear*..

OK … ok….  Let me slow down, because I can’t get over how much has changed in the past 7months…

It feels like yesterday, I was complaining about being a blimp.. Waddling around my job and house like a penguin, anxious for the moment that I finally get to say “Let’s go to the hospital… Funny to think about it now, because if she wasn’t as patient (Or hardheaded, like I called her for a few weeks when I was about to burst, and she didn’t want to come out) as she had been then I would’ve missed out on one of those “stepping stones” in a soon-to-be mothers journey. Maternity pictures…

Luckily my family and friends are truly some of the best people I know, that they helped me get my “I can’t get off the floor without the help of someone (maybe two people) pictures A.K.A Maternity Pictures” out of the way before my water broke..

After 9 months of being pregnant, 2 months of being uncomfortable, and 3 weeks of wishing the baby would just get the hell out of me, on Saturday January 22nd  around 10 O’clock at night, I FINALLY got to say “Let’s go to the hospital”.. Now of course after all the complaining that I made my husband endure for the past few weeks, you would “Assume” I was ready and wanting this to be over with that I would’ve waddled right out to the car once the doctor gave me the green light… NOPE.. It didn’t even make me move faster that in the next few hours we were going to meet our little angel. Instead the first thing that I thought about once the doctor told me to get my bags and head to the hospital was to jump my preggo butt in the shower (For all the mommies out there, You know exactly what I’m talking about)…. So before we actually got on the road I had to make sure that all my “parts” were ready to be stared at for the next few hours (Believe me if I could’ve seen my goodies I would’ve made sure everything was nice and tidy, but due to the fact that I had a watermelon in my belly I just had to deal with a 10 minute as hot as I was allowed to take shower), which was an additional ½ of me complaining about how I’m ready to have this baby; And I’m sure Ben was thinking something along the lines of “Shut up” (to make it PG-13), but since he loves me he dealt with every impolite jester that I threw at him… Now at the hospital that was a different story because that tard decided to sleep the entire time while my three supporters (Mom, Aunt Eileen and Ang) kept me sane..

Following the 16 hours of labor that I had to undergo, and will soon forget once this little girl hits her terrible 2’s and I’m wishing I had that sweet little infant again in my arms, I finally got to meet the little girl that I had dreamt about for the past 9 months… My Scarlie <3 Even though the delivery didn’t go as I had planned, she was perfectly healthy and the most beautiful creation that I had ever laid my eyes on. That night I couldn’t even sleep; even though I was utterly exhausted; because I was mesmerized by this incredible little being that I have the joy of calling my daughter.. There truly is NOTHING like putting your eyes on your first born for the very first time. To this day I find myself starring at her in amazement; I’m sure there will be many more times throughout her life that I will catch myself remembering the day she was born and each time the smile will spread across my face as if it were the first day all over again.

Over the next few months there were a lot of up and downs, but mostly “ups”.. Like any normal ‘new’ parent there are obstacles and questions that will arise and it’s just about conquering each one of them. Her first bath (one of the steps/experiences that will be remembered forever) at home was one of those “What the hell are we going to do moments”.. She didn’t like the water, and since I hated to hear her scream (she was only a week or so old) I just scooped her back up out of the water to comfort her. Now fast forwarding to today and her bath ritual, you would’ve never thought she hated being the water the first times she experienced ‘bath time’, because this little girl NEVER wants to get out. Her hobbies in the water are eating washcloths, splashing mommy and daddy, eating the bubbles, and attempting to sit forward to she can reach the other end of her tub..

Around month 2-3 she started to show a little more of her character (Smiling/smirking/grinning).. Fortunately enough I was able to catch one of her first grins (another stepping stone) and catch a few pictures of it.. I see though that she has some of her mommies characteristics in her, because at times she doesn’t mind the camera and even finds it amusing. But then her father shines through and she freezes up and won’t allow anymore ‘decent’ pictures taken of her. (At least that is how it was in the beginning… I am “training” her well when it comes to loving the camera~!) The first time she recognized me and grinned made my heart flutter.

Now each day I come home; whether on my darkest or on one of my happiest;  she is there welcoming me with the BIGGEST toothless smile, which ALWAYS brightens up my day.. IN addition to charming smirks she blesses us with now, her laugh can fill a room. From her tiny chuckle to her belly laugh you can’t help but to smile over this little munchkin.
Each day comes with new challenges. From rolling over and attempting to crawl, to trying out new foods for the first time that mommy decided to create in her kitchen of madness.. There isn’t one second that I don’t love every moment of my new title, even the times when I have my fingers covered in poop and my bed that was just freshly made is getting pee’d on by a runaway (or I should say “roll away”) naked baby; I wouldn’t change anything in the past 7 months. In the next 5 I’m sure there will be PLENTY more tales to tell (First tooth cutting through, first time crawling, and walking and then the BIG one her first Birthday) and at that point, everyone will have to endure ANOTHER 5 minute long blog of nothing else but my lovely incredible wide eyed Irish muffin J  Until then I’ll let you check out some of my favorite pictures from the past few months!!


My heart...

Spending some quality time with some of the people that love her unconditionally <3 (Great Grandma Martha, and Great Grandma Ann)

Special Bonding time from "some" of her Auntie's <3
Let's not forget the Adoring Grandma's!!!!

And Grandpa's!!!!

Lets not forget the TWO amazing people that brought this little monster into the world..

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

One of my Favorites is with both of my children...
Buddha and Scarlie :)
My babies ....

Well folks I think I've burned your eyes long enough for one day, with all my mushy family sweetness!!.. Until next time.. :)

Friday, August 12, 2011

Weekend Wonders

With the summer slowly coming to an end we are going out with a bang.. FAMILY Pictures this weekend, Whoa!!!  I have to say that I’m pretty stoked about taking them for a few reasons… Originally we were supposed to get them done a few months ago, but with Ben going away for a month and then coming home and injuring himself because he doesn’t know how to slide correctly ::: Put your hands UP (that’s all I have to say) :::: I’ve been postponing this shoot… But now that he has that horrific cast off his arm we FINALLY rescheduled them for this weekend.

(See what I mean, you can't hide that in any pictures.. It sticks out like a sore thumb (haha no pun intended).. Its Gross, and yes I had to sleep next to that for 7 weeks *frown*, so I'm allowed to call it whatever I want!.. The cast I mean, not his face.. I LOVE his face *smooches*)

So on top of waiting for Ben’s arm to heal we’ve also hoped that our little Irish muffin would be sitting up on her own by the time these pictures rolled around. And she IS!! YAY…

And you know what this means… Mommy gets all those Typical; playing in the sand, sitting in a field of flower; pictures.. Oh yes I am that lady and I want all those stereotypical shots.. :: no judgment ::

For the past two nights I’ve been going through all of her “cute” summer dresses and outfits and I’ve come up with 7 so far that I want her to be in for these pictures.. (Is that too much?) I know that I’m going/have to limit myself; but this is the girl who packs 4 bags for a 2day 1night stay in Delaware, so how do you expect me NOT to be perplexed on a discussion to this magnitude. I mean come on I’m going to have to look at these pictures for the REST OF MY LIFE. Therefore I’ve decided to just take a bag of outfits that are considered “Beach Attire” (that is where our pictures are being held at) and just go with the flow; if she ends up in 100 different outfits (I wouldn't do that to the photographer) so be it, but if I only get 1 or even 2 on her then, this mommy will be perfectly fine with it :: I HOPE ::

As for ME, I just got my hair cut (I waited WAAY to long; literally almost a year) for these pictures, and NOW I have no idea how to style it. Since I have a “Mommy-do” (as some of you might want to call it *love you*) I’m a puzzled on how I should style my new short do, So I look cute/sexy/attractive-do ; being a new mom and all; instead of a horrendous/appalling/I want to tear up all of these pictures and burn them in my back yard-DO.. You know ?? . I’ll be taking suggestions from anyone willing to hand them out (Although I’m sure it will be just like Scarlet’s outfits, and a spur of the moment idea will come to mind that I will end up going with)..  

Finishing this little blog up, I would just like to wish everyone a HAPPY FRIDAY J Enjoy your weekend wherever you end up being..

Thursday, August 11, 2011

First time for everything......

Here goes nothing..

What to write about? How should I go about expressing my feelings? Is it OK to EXPLODE on here? Or should I keep everything copacetic? From what I gathering there are MANY ways of keeping up a blog. You can write about food (The joys of cooking and different recipes, as well as the steps it takes to make your creation), your weight loss goals and the achievements you've made, or your family and everyday life.. But the question is what do I write about? Is my life so intriguing it will keep you coming back for more, or is this just for my sanity so I can let out all my built up emotions that I'm not "Allowed" to speak of?

I guess we will see where the day(s) take us, and what type of feelings will fill up the room on this page...

As for today we'll discuss..... Facebook.....

I'm addicted to a game called Cafe' world; some of you might know what I'm talking about, and for those of you who don't, I'm sure you think I have a little too much free time on my hands; so today unfortunately Facebook is having some "issues" because of Hackers I believe, and I'm unable to entertain myself and keep my sanity while completing my daily duties at work, which upsets me. NOT just because that is my "break" on the ass load paperwork I have to get through on a daily basis, but because all my food is going to be spoiled.. Yes I said it.. I'm worried that I'm not going to move up a level because of those stupid hackers,( Who cares if they took my identity, I want to Level Up. Damn you) and their selfish acts... You Bastards.. Thank you for making me have to go back and restart my catering job ALL OVER AGAIN.. You suck at life by the way!!.. Now on the UP SIDE of all this mess that those turd balls created, I had a chance to FINALLY get this blog thing started.. So if anything thank you Jerk Face Hackers for your meaningless acts, if it weren't for you I wouldn't have found time to finally put my blog together :)