Recently the overwhelming feeling of “failure” as been hitting me. I can’t say it’s completely directed towards me, and my “non-accomplishments” or if it is just in general because I’ve found myself in a hole where I can’t seem to see the light anymore. My job isn’t going anywhere; and I’ve known this for years; so I’ve been reluctantly looking for a new place to call my employer. This task in its self is draining, and unrewarding right now. Even if I apply to 17 different places in one day, I don’t hear ANYTHING back from anyone (Government agencies, contractors, local Businesses), Nothing. Which then leads me into my NEXT boulder that I’m carrying which happens to be the fact that all these places require some sort of degree which I don’t have. Of COURSE my plan is just like everyone else’s and go back to school to get my degree, but with my debt and responsibilities; already paying off one student loan, a mortgage and a ass tone of bills; it obviously isn’t in my future UNTIL I get a better job that wants to pay me more; or even put me through school.
This of course isn’t anyone’s fault or issue to carry around but my own. It was MY decision to stay in this fucking area and work at some minimum wage job so I can be there for my family. It was MY decision not to just go away and live my young adolescent life in some college town while I studied to be a doctor, lawyer, dancer or whatever other major/minor I decided on that month. It was MY DECISION to SETTLE. All I know is that right now staying here wasn’t the right decision. I know that my mother would’ve missed me, and cried and wanted me home, BUT fast forwarding to 10 years later and seeing my life, I would’ve rather had her shed those tears then be stuck with no place to go with my career.
Another strain on me at the moment is the fact that my husband is working at this job that isn’t a career; its exactly what I said before, a JOB; which only allows him to work hours as if it were a part time job. So our bills and our livelihood are just in the shit can right now. Asking/implying/suggesting him to look for other jobs leads to nothing but disagreements and then the silent treatment; which I just hate. One thing I’ve learned; even before marriage; is to never go to bed angry, and last night I/we did. Not an “I love you” or a kiss, nothing. Waking up this morning was difficult because all the issues that we discussed; or should I say I mentioned and he just listened, or made smart ass remarks; were still in my head, and unfortunately it will be another day basically before him and I get to sit down and possibly “talk again” about what we are going to do. I’ve been trying to stay calm, be reasonable, and understanding, but when my bills are late, our phones are getting cut off, Christmas is right around the corner and that is another financial headache that I have to worry about..
This whole blog entry is to just allow me to “talk” because I’ve noticed that I haven’t been doing that recently. Instead I’ve been sitting on my emotions and letting everyone else complain about their lives; while I sit and act like nothing is going on with me. It’s a bad thing, and I’ve never been this way, but after awhile my issues are mine, No one else’s. And pity isn’t what I need from anyone so I remain silent; which again isn’t the “right” thing to do.
So sorry for the rant. Considering this is my first entry in a month or so; I could’ve been a little more “Lively” huh!..